Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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