ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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