How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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