Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
BRING THE BAGELS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
