Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
