im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
