I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
