i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
