As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
