totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize