can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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