How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
