my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
