she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize