look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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