i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize