I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
