we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
