Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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