i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
