You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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