If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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