You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
