so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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