Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
