OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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