Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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