Three words: puerto rican gang bang
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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