Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
