2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
