those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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