there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
