Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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