He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
