I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
