Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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