Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize