True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She even gives head with a lisp.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
