My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
