Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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