Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
