i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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