Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
