Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
