Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
