My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
