I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize