I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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