first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
