So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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