just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I deserve this hangover.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
