Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize