When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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