she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
