Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
