just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize