I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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