The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
