I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
