Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize