WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
