My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
